Ya Got Trouble

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Well, either you're closing your eyes
To a situation you do not wish to acknowledge
Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated
By the presence of a sand trap in your community.

Ya got trouble, my friend, right here,
I say, trouble right near the Shawsheen River.

Why sure I'm a duffer,
Certainly mighty proud I say
I'm always mighty proud to say it.

I consider that the hours I spend
With a club in my hand are golden.
Help you cultivate horse sense
And a cool head and a keen eye.

Never take and try to give
An iron-clad leave to yourself
From an over-the-detention-pond shot?

But just as I say,
It takes judgment, brains, and maturity to score
In a balkline game,
I say that any boob kin take
And knock a ball in a hole in the ground.

And they call that sloth.

The first big step on the road
To the depths of deg-ra-Day--
I say, first, medicinal wine from a teaspoon,
Then beer from a bottle.

An' the next thing ya know,
Your Trustee is beggin' for money
In a pinstriped suit.

And list'nin to some big out-a-town Jasper
Hearin' him tell about lawsuits and such'.

Not a wholesome neighborhood, no!

But a place where they set down right on the tee!

Like to see some stuck-up caddy
Sittin' on Zabelle's Bench? Make your blood boil?

Well, I should say.

Friends, lemme tell you what I mean.

Ya got one, two, three, four, five, six, greens on the course.
Greens that mark the diff'rence
Between a gentlemen and a jerk,
With a capital "J,"
And that rhymes with "K" and that stands for Kort!

And all week long your Shawsheen River
Trustees'll be frittern away,
I say your Trustees'll be frittern!

Frittern away their noontime, suppertime, meetin' time too!

Get the ball in the hole,
Never mind gittin' the roads paved
Or the roof patched or the mailbox fixed.

Never mind pumpin' any water
'Til the DEP catches you with the River dry
On a Saturday night and that's trouble,
Oh, yes we got lots and lots a' trouble.

I'm thinkin' of the blokes in the knickerbockers,
Shirt-tail bold ones, sneakin' in the golf
Course sand traps after work, look, folks!

Right here in Shawsheen River.
Trouble with a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "G" and that stands for golf!

Now, I know all you folks are the right kinda neighbors.
I'm gonna be perfectly frank.

Would ya like to know what kinda conversation goes
On while they're loafin' around that Golf Course?

They're tryin' out strokes, tryin' out niblicks,
Tryin' out carts like Wheelie Feends!

And braggin' all about
How they're gonna cover up a tell-tale vote with shizznat.

One fine night, they leave the golf course,
Headin' for the meeting at Jimbos!

Libertine men and Scarlet women!

And Rag-time, shameless music
That'll grab your son and your daughter
With the arms of a jungle animal instink!

Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground!

Trouble, oh we got trouble,
Right near the Shawsheen River!

With a capital "T"
That rhymes with "G"
And that stands for Golf,
That stands for Golf.

We've surely got trouble!

Right near the Shawsheen River,
Right here!

Gotta figger out a way
To keep the Trustees moral after work!

Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble...

Wives of Bedfordshire!
Heed the warning before it's too late!
Watch for the tell-tale sign of corruption!
The moment your husband leaves the house,
Does he rebuckle his knickerbockers below the knee?

Is there a grass stain on his index finger?
A score card hidden in the night stand?
Is he starting to memorize jokes from Capt.
Billy's Whiz Bang?
Are certain words creeping into his conversation?
Words like "Fore?"
And "Canada Geese?"

Well, if so my friends,
Ya got trouble,
Right near the Shawsheen River!
With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "G"
And that stands for Golf.
We've surely got trouble!
Right near the Shawsheen River!

Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock and the sacred Bylaws!

Oh, we've got trouble.
We're in terrible, terrible trouble.
That game with the little pocked balls is a devil's tool!
Oh yes we got trouble, trouble, trouble!
With a "T"! Gotta rhyme it with "G"!
And that stands for Golf!!!

CopyLeft 2004, Barsoom Tork Associates
All Wrongs Reversed